Self-Checkout Isn't Actually Faster (And Gary Has Receipts)

"Unexpected item in the bagging area." I did not put an unexpected item in the bagging area. I put the exact, expected item in the bagging area, and the machine has decided, unilaterally, to have an opinion about it anyway.

The self-checkout promise

The pitch was speed: skip the queue, scan your own stuff, get out faster. For a small basket of familiar items, it genuinely can be quicker. But the moment you've got anything slightly unusual — a bag of loose vegetables, a product with no barcode, an age-restricted item — the self-checkout grinds to a halt waiting for a staff member to come and press a button on your behalf, which somewhat undermines the "self" part of self-checkout.

Where the time actually goes

A trained cashier scans faster than most of us fumble through a touchscreen, and they don't need to weigh their own courgettes. The speed of self-checkout mostly comes from running several lanes in parallel with one attendant, not from any single lane being faster than a human. It's a queueing trick, not a speed trick.

When to pick which

• Small, simple, barcoded basket — self-checkout is usually fine.
• Loose produce, no barcodes, or anything restricted — a staffed till will likely be faster and less stressful.
• Big trolley shop — a staffed till with a packer still wins, most days.

None of this is a grand conspiracy. It's just that "self-service" quietly shifted some of the work from staff to customers, and called it convenience. I don't mind doing my bit. I just wish the machine wouldn't act so betrayed about a bag of onions.